marriage

Marriage Advice I Wish I’d Learned Sooner

KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR Soon after I graduated from college and moved to a new town, I started attending the PCA church that I eventually joined. One of my early visits was especially memorable. At the conclusion of the service, three couples were invited up front: the senior pastor and his wife, the associate pastor and his wife, and an elder and his wife. All three couples were celebrating 30 years of marriage. I was in awe. As a young single woman hoping to be married, I thought this was exactly the kind of church I wanted to join—one that celebrated longevity in marriage and included examples of faithful partnerships. When I look back at that day and consider how impressed I was by those couples and how wise I thought they were, it's a little strange to now be in the position of being married longer than 30 years myself. I don't feel as wise as I imagined those couples were, but I do have things to share that would surprise a younger me. Sometimes You Should Go to Bed Angry Many quote Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger" as a biblical mandate to resolve all conflict before calling it a night. I think that misunderstands Paul's imperative. There are times in marriage when you should probably go to bed angry. Sometimes what you need is a good night's rest, instead of hashing things out while you're both angry and tired. God's mercies are new every morning. Sometimes sleep provides the clarity that midnight conversations cannot. Acknowledge that you love each other despite the anger, promise you're committed to working things out, and trust that morning may bring new perspective....

Marriage Advice I Wish I’d Learned SoonerChristina Fox2025-06-12T17:41:09+00:00

Love is Patient

KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR Today I had an early breakfast meeting and left while my husband, Robert, was still in bed. When I got home, our bed was made. Later he noticed that the floor was dirty, so he mopped it. This afternoon, when I burned something in the oven, he came to my rescue, not only soaking the very messy pan but scrubbing it clean an hour later. My husband is not the man I married nearly 35 years ago. A Lesson in Early Marriage We were newlyweds—married just a few months—when I came home from my stressful job to find our apartment in chaos. Robert worked as our church's youth director, which meant he worked many nights and weekends and was often home during the day. That afternoon, I arrived to find dishes piled up, an unmade bed, and beard trimmings filling the bathroom sink. It wasn't the first time, and something in me snapped. I lost it. I went on a rant about my husband's slovenliness and his lack of regard for me. Obviously, I posited, if he really loved me then he'd understand that I value a tidy space, and he'd want to please me by cleaning up before I came home exhausted. I jumped to all sorts of conclusions and made wild accusations about his character and attitude toward me. Robert listened to my tirade with remarkable composure. When I finally paused for breath, he looked me straight in the eye and very calmly asked, "Did I mislead you? Are you surprised that the guy with the messy, disorganized apartment that you fell in love with continues to be messy and disorganized after getting married?" His question stopped me in my tracks...

Love is PatientChristina Fox2025-02-06T20:07:51+00:00

Grieving as a Couple: Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness

KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR Twenty-two years ago, I was twenty-three weeks pregnant with our third child. During a routine check-up, my obstetrician discovered that our baby’s heart wasn’t beating. We were heartbroken. That evening, I was admitted to the hospital to induce labor, and by the next morning, I delivered our stillborn baby girl—Hannah. She was tiny, but fully formed. There were no visible problems—nothing to explain what had gone wrong. God had numbered her days. My husband and I held her in our arms, said our goodbyes, and felt the anguish of never getting to know her this side of eternity. The following summer, we were overjoyed to learn I was pregnant again. It felt like a miracle after the four years of infertility we experienced before our first child was born. But this pregnancy, our fourth, was marked by both joy and apprehension. We were deeply grateful but also carried the scars of our previous loss. One day, while twenty-six weeks along, I felt anxious. The baby’s movements seemed less frequent, but I assumed it was just my grief from losing Hannah making me overly cautious. I decided to visit the doctor, hoping for reassurance, but it wasn’t the news I hoped for. The next day, I delivered another stillborn baby girl. We named her Charity. The weight of grief was unbearable—we couldn’t believe it was happening again. In the United States, 1 out of every 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and 1 in every 160 pregnancies ends in stillbirth. October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, and it is also the month we lost our baby, Hannah. It’s a time for remembrance, reflection on God’s faithfulness, and considering what we learned through these tragic losses...

Grieving as a Couple: Infant and Pregnancy Loss AwarenessChristina Fox2024-09-30T14:00:44+00:00

Unmarried and In Christ: A Profound (and Sometimes Painful) Mystery Which Points Beyond Itself

ELLEN DYKAS | CONTRIBUTOR I’ve received hundreds of gifts over the years and a handful stand out as markers on my heart and life. Two of these are on my mind today as I write this article. The first came on Mother’s Day over twenty years ago. Libby, a beloved younger sister in Christ, gave me a dozen red roses, thanking me for the way God has used me as a ‘spiritual mother’ in her life. Then, another younger woman, and coworker with me in the trenches of ministry Harvest USA, gave me a wall-hanging with a photograph from WWI, displaying soldiers climbing out of the trenches to engage the battle in front of them. Caitlin, knowing that I’ve gleaned so much from military documentaries (yes, me!), gave me this gift to express appreciation for equipping her for the works of ministry, and for being ‘in the trenches’ with her. Though I’ve not birthed or adopted children to raise and nurture as my own, God has generously given me hundreds of spiritual daughters (and a few sons). These dear ones, and Libby’s gift of roses and Caitlin’s gift from the battlefield of ministry, provide beautiful pictures of the profound mystery embedded in a faithful theology of singleness. Curious? Read on! Wait?! I thought the profound mystery was only about marriage? Ephesians 5:32 continues to shock and discombobulate new students to God’s word. Paul’s words at the conclusion of a key NT passage about God’s design for marriage surely must have prompted some head-scratching, and more than a few exclamations of, “Waaitt…whaaaa?” He wrote, This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church (Eph. 5:32). The mystery Paul referenced is that God’s good gift of marriage is meant to point beyond itself towards the eternal, exclusive, fruitful, mutual loving relationship believers have with our Savior. Husbands and wives receive the good and beautiful gift of marriage and the unique all-of-life oneness (emotionally, sexually, relationally, etc.), while recognizing that marriage is meant to reveal the way Jesus and his people relate to each other for all eternity. Human marriage will, after all, end with this lifetime. ...

Unmarried and In Christ: A Profound (and Sometimes Painful) Mystery Which Points Beyond ItselfChristina Fox2024-06-01T16:58:43+00:00

A Match (un)Made in Heaven

JAMYE DOERFLER | CONTRIBUTOR I think about heaven a lot. When I’m sad because I’m watching a loved one’s body break down, or because human impact on the environment brings destruction and death, I look to what I know about heaven. In heaven, we will be given new bodies and will inhabit a new earth. One thing will not be made new? Our marriages. The cliché is, “it’s a match made in heaven.” However, in reality, every match made on earth will be unmade in heaven. Consider Jesus’ conversation with the Sadducees in Matthew 22. Marriage Unmade The Sadducees, who did not believe in the resurrection and were trying to make Jesus look foolish, asked a hypothetical question: “Teacher, Moses said, ‘If a man dies having no children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up offspring for his brother.’ Now there were seven brothers among us. The first married and died, and having no offspring left his wife to his brother. So too the second and third, down to the seventh. After them all, the woman died. In the resurrection, therefore, of the seven, whose wife will she be? For they all had her.” “But Jesus answered them, ‘You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.’” (Matthew 22:24-30)...

A Match (un)Made in HeavenChristina Fox2024-02-04T20:09:30+00:00

Don’t Waste Your Engagement

STEPHANIE FORMENTI|CONTRIBUTOR Summer is upon us and so is wedding season! This means that many engaged couples are anticipating a wedding and preparing for marriage. The season of engagement can seem like a time created for planning a wedding, attending bridal showers, celebrating with friends, and booking a honeymoon. But engagement is much more significant than that. It is a unique season full of opportunities for growth and maturity. So don’t waste your engagement! Whether you are engaged yourself, walking alongside engaged friends, a mother-of-the-bride, or a spiritual mother to younger women, here are three things to consider about preparing for marriage. Embrace the Tension First, embrace the tension. The season of engagement is wrought with mixed emotions. There is a growing sense of commitment which leads to contagious excitement, ear-to-ear smiles, and hopeful anticipation. On the other hand, the engagement season comes with a heavy load of details to think about and plans to make. This can be overwhelming and even paralyzing. But, more than that, there is an underlying tension present during engagement. When you get engaged, you make a decisive move towards planning your life with someone; you make a significant commitment. You decide what dishes you want, the thread count for sheets, and pick out a mattress. In premarital counseling, you talk about budgeting, conflict-resolution, family dynamics, and sex. And all these small decisions and weighty conversations inch closer and closer to becoming “one flesh” the way God intended marriage to be. You talk about the future as if you are already married. But here lies the tension: you are not married yet. This tension makes engagement a tricky experience that can be difficult to navigate and even frustrating at times...

Don’t Waste Your EngagementChristina Fox2023-08-15T13:22:15+00:00

When Your Spouse is Not a Believer: A Vertical Perspective

SUSAN MCCELDRY|GUEST As we sat down for dinner, my husband laid his hand on the countertop, palm up. Knowing our prayer routine, I placed my hand in his and waited for him to pray. Before he uttered a word, tears threatened to come forth, as a thought flashed through my mind: This would not have been possible eight years ago. A Dramatic Salvation Rarely will an unbelieving couple come to faith at the same time, and this was true in my marriage. I came to faith first in 2014 because of God’s dramatic saving of my eternal life. Because of my sin, lack of biblical knowledge, and virtually no relationship with Jesus, I spent at least ten years dabbling in the occult. Not only did I read books written by psychic mediums, I also saw them at in-person events. I then spent an additional two years harnessing and actively developing my psychic ability. I did all these things while professing to be a Christian. My time in the occult ended with a vision of a dark hooded cloak image superimposed over my reflection in the mirror. In that moment I lost all sense of rationality and was tormented by a voice in my head that repeatedly told me that I was going to Hell. I was involuntarily committed to the mental unit of our hospital and spent five days there. I came home a new person, one that never wanted anything to do with the occult spiritual world ever again. Where did that leave my marriage? I became a Christian that was married to an unbelieving husband. God became my authority while my husband’s authority was himself. The struggle of two people living under two different authorities surfaced rather quickly. How can a marriage like that thrive and grow? You may be in a similar situation in your own marriage. Perhaps you trust in Christ for your salvation, but your husband does not, and this creates not only heartache for you, but even discord in your marriage. What does it look like to live out your faith when unequally yoked?...

When Your Spouse is Not a Believer: A Vertical PerspectiveChristina Fox2023-03-24T17:45:56+00:00

Your Unwanted Journey: Facing Your Husband’s Pornography Struggle

“God, I come to you very weak and broken. Grieved over the sin of my husband that I just discovered. Shocked—feeling betrayed—angry—distrustful—sad at sin’s corrupting power—very aware of my own desperate need for grace as I must confront him.” I wrote these words in a journal entry when I discovered evidence on my computer’s history that my husband had been visiting pornographic sites. Although I knew of his struggle prior to our marriage, I naively assumed that he was done battling pornography and that our marital bliss would provide the antidote he needed against temptation. My dreams of a happy, secure marriage in which I felt compellingly beautiful to my husband were instantly shattered that afternoon—barely more than a year into our marriage. It was made worse by the fact that just the day before I had asked him if he had been struggling lately with pornography, and he said, 'No.'” I remember getting the call from this woman. She was devastated, confused, and angry. Pornography usage is an unfaithful behavior that breaks the sacred promise: I am devoted and faithful to you alone. We might even call it treason of the marriage covenant, though some may think this too dramatic or stern. But aren’t husbands called to faithful oneness to their wife, to lay down their lives for her? She, of course, is called to the same, but why is it that church leaders can minimize the traumatic impact of porn, as well as the grave sin of sexual infidelity—which porn viewing is?...

Your Unwanted Journey: Facing Your Husband’s Pornography StruggleChristina Fox2023-03-24T17:50:49+00:00

The Hard but Glorious in Conflict

ALICE KIM|CONTRIBUTOR Navigating conflict often feels like stuffing a bedsheet set back into its original packaging. If you manage to return the contents, you realize it’s not the same. The once smooth and compact surface and sharp corners are now bulging with lumps and oddly shaped edges. Though we sincerely believe the gospel makes a difference between two people who love Jesus and are actively walking toward understanding and forgiveness, it seems that reconciliation and restoration are unfortunately, the exception rather than the norm. Messy Relationships We feel the weight of how messy and complicated relationships in families, marriages, friendships, coworkers, and neighbors are as we live intertwined lives. Our differing personalities, backgrounds, desires, biases, and emotional triggers are potential sources of conflict. Furthermore, the less we know about the other person, the more inaccurate assumptions fill the gaps of understanding and in turn, taint the relationship. Even with the best intentions, we are still insensitive. I know this is true of myself. We treat objects or goals more important than people. We burden others with expectations and are convinced our way is better. Sadly, the effects of living in a fallen and broken world become inescapable...

The Hard but Glorious in ConflictChristina Fox2023-03-24T17:51:23+00:00

Seeing the Unseen Victims of Domestic Violence in Your Church

DARBY STRICKLAND|GUEST Did you know that 25% of married Christian women are being abused by their spouses? How might that change your response when a woman in your church comes up to you seeking marital advice? Victims of abuse need you to be alert to their reality. How might knowing the prevalence of domestic abuse prompt you to engage women in your church differently? I know it is hard to imagine that domestic abuse is so common, let alone that it frequently occurs in your church. And, regardless of how often it is occurring in your church, if there is even one woman in your local church body that is being abused, she needs you to be alert to recognize her situation. Unaware of a Pervasive Problem There are two main reasons we often do not detect the presence of domestic abuse. The first is that marital oppression occurs behind closed doors—it is typically not something we observe happening. Oppressors use coercion and punishment in private to control their spouse, while they manage a carefully crafted image in public. The Bill Cosby and Ravi Zacharias scandals help us to better understand an abuser's ability to deceive those around him. They behaved very differently in public than in private. People who perpetrate abuse are master deceivers. That means there are most likely abusive people in your church that you could never imagine were abusive. Many abusers do not fit the loud, aggressive, out-of-control personality that you might picture in your mind. The second reason why we do not recognize abuse is because the victim does not realize she is being oppressed. I have had hundreds of conversations with victims who themselves struggle to call abusive behaviors sin, let alone abuse. Victims of abuse know that something is wrong, but they often do not know what it is. They worry that they exaggerate, are oversensitive, are ultimately responsible for their spouse's anger, or do not remember things correctly when recounting an intense conflict. Their abuser blames them for how he treats them, and they come to believe the cruel and twisted accusations. Consequently, they live in a fog of confusion created by their oppressor. Because of their inability to comprehend that what they are enduring rises to the level of abuse, when abused women approach other women in the church, they will ask for advice or feedback...

Seeing the Unseen Victims of Domestic Violence in Your ChurchChristina Fox2023-03-24T18:14:38+00:00